I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
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Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
My typo game is string.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.