If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
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Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket