My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
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Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.