Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
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brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.