I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
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I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’