CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
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WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
my first day as a raccoon
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!