Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
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9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
But wait…
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.