It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
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CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay