What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
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before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.