Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I don’t think my car can fly
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
And that about sums it up.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.