stand with me against insufficient seating
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I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no