All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
You Might Also Like
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from