9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
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Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize