Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
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I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
idk what this dog had been going through but same
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
I think about this a lot
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
The struggle is real