I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
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[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”