You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
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IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
mathematically impossible
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.