Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
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*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝