Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
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Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
This could be us, but you weedin’.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea