What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
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Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.