Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
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Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.