me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
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*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
SCARY COSTUME
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.