I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
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I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Damn what did I do next
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.