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[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.