[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
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Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.