Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
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“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE