Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
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Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
your honor my client chooses dare
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.