wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
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“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.