If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
You Might Also Like
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
My work here is don’t.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.