bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
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When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
The glory of fall.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
It’s a gift
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No