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wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Trying
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?