Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
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You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.