I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
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rich people when they have to pay taxes
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*