Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
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#Caturday
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
how high up are we talkin’?
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Cheers Twitter.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
“I FIXED IT!”
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope