I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
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Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025