Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
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I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
My first son he is wonderful
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels