My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
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OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.