Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
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New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.