Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
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This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
worst…sale…ever
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.