Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
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The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
ATMs should have breathalyzers
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Love it! 👍😂
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.