Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
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Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
oh my god
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman