Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
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Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.