[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
You Might Also Like
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.