[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
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Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*