[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
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THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Best spot.. 😅
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Hitlers gonna hitl
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?