walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
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Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
The glory of fall.
a public service announcement
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
It has been 3 years since Monday.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
jesus, what did this guy do
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?