A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
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Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
A double negative is a big no-no.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!