Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
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Good morning, Twitter 😊
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Risking my life for fun.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
“Huge”.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.