“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
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Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA