Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
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[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
This guy’s not having it 😆
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.