Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
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If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.